[Jeff, Madison WI]
We were at the bar celebrating our pal, Rick’s 30th birthday. He was making jokes about how now that he’s “old” he needed to settle down and lay off on the partying. One of our very drunk friends then said to him:
“What, so all of a sudden you turn 30 and your not 29 anymore?”
[Shae, NJ]
A very stoned friend suddenly showed up at my house one day only to say:
“and then I was on the parkway…and dude I don’t know how i got on the parkway…but I saw a sign and thought hey you live there! So…here I am…”
[Anonymous, Salt Lake City UT]
The economy had really hurt the company I worked for. Week three with no paycheck we started getting drunk on the job. Talking about what job we should try to go for next, my buddy said:
“I think I’m gonna try for the porn industry. It’s the only one where when you’re in the hole you’re makin’ money.”
[Anonymous, Odgen UT]
I have a tendency to drink and dial…. So I called up my friend Portia and asked her,
“Can I do you? Please?”
[Beckett]
So, my friend Daryl thought that PMS meant “Pissy Mood Syndrome” and that it wasn’t exclusive to women. We were sitting in his room, really baked, and his response to our attempts to explain PMS and the Menstrual Cycle was
“Wait, you mean girls get angry ’cause they can’t lay eggs?”
[Sarah, Ct]
You know someone’s high when you hear something like this:
“The cold has gone from painful to tingly… and I kind of like it.”
or
“They’re having a whole conversation ahead of us while walking, but the only thoughts in my head are ‘One foot in front of the other’”
[Sarah, Ct]
I’m not an observant person, especially not when the TV is on. When some friends came over and wanted to smoke I was not paying any attention to their discussion. Even when we went for a drive looking for apples I still wasn’t really paying attention, and by the time I was I didn’t want to ask why we needed an apple because I felt kind of like an idiot. Finally I asked why they needed an apple.
J: We can smoke out of the apple
Me: Don’t you guys have pipes?
J: No, we forgot to grab them
Me: …You realize I have a pipe, correct?
It took about a minute for this to sink in as they’d been looking for apples for about twenty minutes, but when I did the entire car groaned and I died of laughter.
[Sarah, Ct]
I was watching some friends play beer pong, one of them couldn’t get one cup no matter how hard he tried.
A: That cup is like my girlfriend.
S: Why? Because you can’t get your balls in?
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A friend of ours really wanted to smoke with us and thought we were holding out:
D: We should go back to your place and smoke.
V: No way, dude.
D: Why not? I have money!
V: We can’t smoke your money!
A very “enlightened” discussion led to this gem:
“Duct tape for when it moves and it shouldn’t. . . and WD40 for when it should move, but won’t.”